My Enslaving Fear

Fear. Every one is afraid of something in their life. Whether its heights, clowns, windmills, some are afraid of love or to be loved. I am afraid of failing. 

Being the oldest child you are held to a higher standard. Your parents expect you to show your younger siblings how to or not to act. Talk about pressure! Every time they give mom attitude or are not showing respect to dad, its your fault because "they learned it from you". I felt like I had to be perfect or they wouldn't be happy! I just couldn't mess up. I've always tried to be a good kid and do what is right! I never did the whole rebellious thing. The near thought of letting my parents down killed me. 

Growing up in church has given me the "i know better" state of mind. I know I am to love my neighbor. I know to not use Gods name in vain. I know that my body is the temple. I know everything I do or dont do is reflecting who Christ is. That state of mind has saved me from making so many wrong decisions. It's also left me feeling like I know better than to mess up. I felt this overwhelming pressure of living up to standards. Standards that my parents had, that my church had, and standards that I had for myself. 

These standards in my life werent bad. But i let them consume me. Taking all my attention away from God. And focusing it on being perfect. Perfection is not possible. And I knew that, I just wanted to give the persona of perfection. I had to be good at everything I did. No mistakes. No mess ups. No do overs. Every thing has to be perfect. My appearance always had to be put together. I had to watch what I ate. My hair curled and make on. I couldn't let anyone see me cry or get in trouble. It all was so exhausting. But i finally realized something.... What did all that get me?  Nothing. Because none of it matters! It doesn't define me. My mistakes dont define me. What I look like doesnt define me.  I am defined as a sinner who is a chosen child of God, forgiven and redeemed by His blood. 

For years I let the pressure of perfection enslave me. It was all I thought about and everything I did was centered around this notion of living perfect to others.  I couldn't fail. I couldn't let others others think I made mistakes. But all I was doing was convincing myself that it wasn't okay to mess up.  Yes, my parents put pressure on me. Yes, people at my church put pressure on me. But the worst pressure I felt was the pressure I was putting on myself.  Pressure to not fail. 

In this world failure is apart of life. We aren't perfect. Bottom line. BUT we can be made perfect through the only one who is. No it wont keep me from failing or from making mistakes. But I know He forgives. And inspite of all my failures He still loves me and still died for me.  

I recently told a friend "if you don't ever try you can never succeed." Little did he know I wasnt just talking to him, but to myself as well. Fear of failure has kept me from not just doing wrong things but also good things.  You cant live this way and neither can I! God has amazing things planned for us if we just follow His will. We just can't be afriad to fail, eventually you will suceed!! Just think if Thomas Edison would have given up when making the light bulb? He failed over and over again. But he didn't let his failures consume him. He let it drive him until He succeeded.

Every day we are growing up, growing old, and growing into the people we are meant to be. Dont let anything stop you from being YOU!